Posted on

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Whenever I lend something to someone it either comes back broken, ripped, stepped on, spit on, partially burned or not at all. When I was a kid of about 9, I had a James Bond Attache Case. It was very cool. I remember it well because it was probably my favorite toy. I brought it to my friend, Perry Rosen’s house. I left it there and never saw it again. Everytime I asked Perry what happened to it, he couldn’t tell me. It was very upsetting. I guess he was angry because his parents named him Perry. To this day, I wonder what happend to that James Bond Attache Case. Perry Rosen moved to Staten Island and I tried finding him on the internet. Apparently there are a lot of Perry Rosens out there. I saw some pictures, but none of them had a guy holding a James Bond Attache Case.

Another prized possession of mine was a bicycle with a banana seat. They were all the rage back in the 60’s. I had one. Anthony, some fat kid from school, came over and rode my bicycle around the block. When he came back, the banana seat was ripped. I can only guess it was from his big fat ass. He denied it of course. I don’ t remember Anthony’s last name and there are far too many Anthonys with fat asses out there to try to locate him.

Number three:  I owned an album by Alice Cooper called Billion Dollar Babies back in the 70’s. I loaned it to Kevin Anderson. He never gave it back. I even went to his house and knocked on his door and he told me he couldn’t find it. How can you NOT find an album? If I wasn’t so skinny and nerdy back then, I would have beat him up. Kevin Anderson is another popular name and impossible to locate.

Now here is where it gets weird. Years later, about 2002 or so, I bought Billion Dollar Babies on CD. I loaned it to a guy I worked with named Rich Randazzo. Rich wanted to burn a copy. Guess what? I never got it back. I kept asking Rich. He said, “I can’t find it”. he found the CD box and returned that, but could not find the CD?

I tried to find out if he knew Kevin Anderson, thinking maybe they were in cohoots. Now they are both missing along with two copies of Billion Dollar Babies. I am afraid to get another copy. Apparently I am not allowed to own this item.

I still loan CD’s to people to burn. They come back, but usually broken, scratched, or smudged up to a point of skipping. Will I ever learn? Apparently not. What I really don’t understand is why do people do this? If I ever borrow something from someone, I take expert care of it and I return it as soon as possible in the same or even better condition.

So, anybody out there that has something of mine? I am granting amnesty for 30 days. If you return it within this timespan, I will not press charges.

Do you hear me Perry Rosen, Kevin Anderson and Rich Randazzo?

By the way – Happy Birthday to Alice Cooper. I still love the album and one day, I will get it and keep it to myself.

Alice Cooper – No More Mr. Nice Guy





About Stevie GB

60 year old stand up comedian from Long Island. My approach to comedy is telling the truth about being married, middle aged and living in the suburbs. I enjoy making people laugh without making them feel uncomfortable. My act is clean and clever. Featured in Newsday and on News12. Winner of the Huntington Arts Council Laff-off, 2006. 3rd place winner of LI Press Best of LI 2011, A regular on The Long Island Comedy Festival for 9 consecutive years. Opened for Dennis Miller, Louie Anderson, Kevin Pollak, Bobby Collins, Bob Nelson, Uncle Floyd, Kevin Meaney, and many more.

6 responses to “No More Mr. Nice Guy

  1. Gerard ⋅

    With ‘God’s Blessing’ i was allowed to lend The Last Waltz from The Band from a friend’s dad. I definitely got the scare of a lifetime when on side b the record turned over a bit. When I gave it back, I confessed with lead in my shoes. Then the guy said: Oh, I forgot to tell you about it, that scratch has been there for years…. I never ever did lend a record again from that guy.

  2. I wonder if Kevin Anderson adopted the alias Rich Randazzo in order to procure a Billion Dollar Babies cd to replace “his” album.

  3. yourothermotherhere ⋅

    After a couple of times of loaning books, CDs and DVDs out that never came back, or came back damaged, I don’t do it anymore. If they really want to read, hear or see it, they can buy it – just like I did.

  4. Tommy

    I know what you mean. I have learned that whenever I loan a DVD out, I might as well kiss it goodbye! I will never see it again. I don’t know what it is about DVD’s, but that is the way it has always been.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s